A Guide for Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: Healing and Thriving

Complexes inherited from narcissistic mothers are challenging to get rid of. Due to a lack of empathy caused by narcissism, such mothers can prevent the healthy psychological development of their children. They crave unconditional love, which they cannot often get from their narcissistic mothers.

In this article, we will explore how to recognize narcissism and learn practical steps for adult daughters of narcissistic mothers to heal from emotional wounds, overcome toxic patterns, and create a thriving, empowered life.

8 Signs of a Narcissistic Mother

In her research on maternal narcissism, Caryl McBride, a psychotherapist and author of the book "Good Enough: A Healing Journey for Women Who Grew Up with Narcissistic Mothers," identified common problems in relationships between mothers with narcissistic traits and their daughters.

In adulthood, daughters raised by narcissistic mothers may have low self-esteem and feel emotional emptiness. If you want to understand if you were brought up by a narcissistic mother, read https://breeze-wellbeing.com/blog/symptoms-of-daughters-of-narcissistic-mothers/ to recognize these common symptoms in yourself and start the healing process. Growing up with a narcissistic mother may determine decisions, actions, and relationships with people of their adult daughters.

Here are 8 common signs of a narcissistic mother's behavior:

1. Criticism

You are trying to win your mother's love, attention, and approval, but you are unable to please her. Usually, narcissistic mothers are critical and do not accept their daughters for who they are. In this way, they raise their daughters to be sensitive to other people's opinions and constantly make them feel not good enough.

2. Competition

Your mother is envious of you for a variety of reasons, including your looks, achievements, material wealth, education, and even your bond with your father.

3. Control

Narcissistic mothers may control their children's interests, social interactions, and activities, and do not support their daughters in what they really want.

4. Self-centeredness

In the family, everything always revolves around the mother. Narcissists do not tolerate refusals and want everyone to obey their desires.

5. Lack of empathy

The narcissistic mother is unable to show empathy. The feelings of the daughter growing up next to her are not taken seriously, and she does not feel her own significance.

6. Lack of emotional regulation

Typically, the narcissistic mother may have difficulties coping with her own emotions. When it comes to feelings, she may "freeze" or "disappear." She does not allow herself or her daughter to express emotions—their relationship remains superficial, and there is no deep connection between them.

7. The mother treats her child like a friend

Mothers with narcissistic traits often involve young daughters in the adult world, for example, sharing difficulties in relationships with their husbands. In this case, the daughter begins to feel lonely and unsafe—she does not have a parent she can rely on. She feels guilty for not being able to solve her mother's problems and adopts the attitude, "I'm not good enough."

8. Lack of boundaries

A crucial component of psychological development is emotional separation, but a narcissistic mother does not allow her daughter to become an individual. In family life, she has no boundaries.

How Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Can Heal?

Recovery from the trauma of growing up with rejection and shame takes time and effort. Ultimately, it means letting go of codependency. It begins with identifying and understanding that the shameful messages and beliefs passed down from mother to daughter are not true.

Replacing the internalized, negative mother voice—the inner critic—with self-nurturing is an important step. Recovery entails both healing from the past and learning new skills to overcome codependency.

McBride devotes the third part of her book, "Good Enough: A Healing Journey for Women Who Grew Up with Narcissistic Mothers," entirely to the recovery process. She offers many exercises that can help you accept and live through the traumatic experience, and also recommends seeing a therapist.

6 steps on the path to recovery for daughters of narcissistic mothers look like this:

• Accept limitations and experience the feeling of grief in connection with the fact that you did not have the mother you dreamed of.
• Separate psychologically from your mother and reformulate the negative beliefs you received from her into positive ones.
• Accept your own feelings, desires, and personality.
• Learn to communicate with your mother in a new, non-toxic way.
• Learn to notice your own narcissistic traits and decide not to pass them on to your children.
• Learn grieving.

During the grieving process, you may go through five stages: acceptance, denial, bargaining, anger, and depression. It is important to go through them all and ultimately accept the fact that your mother is indeed a narcissist and did not give you the love you wanted and needed.

To effectively grieve, Caryl McBride recommends:

• Keeping a journal. Writing down your feelings is another way to let them go. Journaling allows you to release the emotional trauma.
• Don't listen to other people's opinions while you are going through the healing process. With the best of intentions, friends and loved ones may say things like, "Just let it go," or "You can't change the past, stop trying." However, you can accept the support of people who will be with you on your path to recovery, as well as seek professional help to heal from trauma in a safe space.
• Allow guilt to set in. McBride notes that guilt will inevitably come. In her practice, in nearly every clinical session and interview, daughters of narcissistic mothers confessed that they felt bad talking about their mothers in negative ways. In McBride's opinion, it's a cultural taboo that must be overcome to heal from trauma.

Create your inner mother.

Psychotherapist Caryl McBride also gives the following advice: to internally separate from your mother and heal your childhood wounds, create your inner mother—a mother who will always be there for you and who is always ready to provide care and support.

This is your way of taking care of yourself. We are talking about a gentle, warm inner voice that we often do not have access to. It's time to hear it and let it resonate within you.

How to do it? Make a list of your qualities, starting with the word "I." Let this kind, supportive, and grateful voice point them out. Write down all the words of appreciation it evokes: "I am strong, smart, wise, loving, sensitive, thoughtful, resourceful, energetic, responsible, honest, compassionate, caring, talented, beautiful inside and out..."