Robert McKenna III On Taking a Road Less Traveled and Finding Your Own Happiness

Robert L. McKenna III is a man who's worn many hats in his lifetime. In addition to being a founding partner at the Huntington Beach, California-based liability defense law firm Kjar, McKenna & Stockalper LLP, and a National Association of Underwater Instructors (NAUI) certified advanced open water diver, McKenna is also a single dad who raised his son, Matthew, and daughter, Katie, to be independent, considerate, responsible young adults.

One of the foibles of youth, says McKenna, is believing a single major mistake will be the end of the world. Experience has taught him that's not the case. "Your most burning personal or professional crisis will pass, and the things you thought were incredibly important and non-negotiable in your teens and early twenties are far more nuanced and subjective than you'll ever believe." 

Robert McKenna's Best Advice in 20/20 Hindsight

Robert McKenna expanded his children's education with world travel and shepherded them through the Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts (respectively), along the way imparting life lessons in both empathy and self-reliance. Reflecting back on some of his own questionable choices and their subsequent repercussions, McKenna says if he could go back in time, there are two pieces of advice he'd tender to his younger self.

The first would be to avoid knee-jerk judgments. "Just [try to] be more empathetic toward people and understanding," he says. "You don't really know what other people are going through at any given point in time, so don't immediately assume the worst."

The second axiom Robert McKenna has both taken to heart and passed along to his children is to take the high road when you can, especially when you don't have all the facts. He notes that while someone may appear hostile or standoffish, the bad attitude they exhibit might very well have nothing to do with you. Since no one can truly know what behind-the-scenes stress factors are influencing another person's behavior, unless you'll suffer direct harm as a result, it's best to give them the benefit of the doubt.

"It is a difficult and humbling thing to think that every other human being on this planet has just as rich an internal life as you do, and they have the same strange thoughts and scattered thoughts and feelings and emotions... that run just as deep and are just as meaningful to them as yours are to you," McKenna explains. "It's hard to get your head around that when you just look at how many people you interact with every day, and they're truly, on a just a psychological level, no different." 

Kerouac and Salinger: Robert McKenna's Early Literary Inspirations 

Robert McKenna's understanding and appreciation that each of us has a unique and meaningful destiny in the world is part of a larger philosophy of self-determination he's come to believe through the years. McKenna admonishes that it's up to us as individuals to define what brings us happiness and gives our lives purpose. He says relying on the achievements or opinions of others as the yardstick by which we measure personal success and fulfillment is a mistake.

These views were shaped by McKenna's early literary influences, among them fierce individualists Jack Kerouac and J.D. Salinger. Having gifted Kerouac's "On the Road" and Salinger's "The Catcher in the Rye" to his kids as well as the children of relatives and close friends, he considers reading them a rite of passage. "I think we have so much... conformity in the way we approach education. It used to be a little more loosey-goosey in the seventies when I was growing up," McKenna admits. 

"The sense [I get of] high school [now] is not the same as when I went..." he says. "So just to open [kids'] eyes to different ideas and different points of view - even though [those things] might be subversive in the sense that [they're] not for everybody (he jokes he doesn't really want his son to spend his life traveling around the country, getting high and playing jazz) but that's [out] there, and that's kind of a cool thing [for them] to see."

Robert McKenna's World According to Kurt Vonnegut

Another major influence McKenna credits with shaping his world view is one of the 20th century's most revered authors, Kurt Vonnegut, whose scathing social commentary and dark humor have sadly turned out to be a bit too prescient for comfort. In his seminal short-story collection, "Welcome to the Monkey House," Vonnegut warns of the dangers of conformity, eerily presaging what we've come to know as "the nanny state," in which everyone who participates gets a prize no matter how mediocre their performance in order to ensure no one feels left out or marginalized.

Akin to "The Handmaid's Tale," Margaret Atwood's much-in-the-current-news cautionary allegory, the dystopian future Vonneget imagined back in the 1960s was the antithesis of Benjamin Franklin's doctrine, "Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety." For Vonnegut and McKenna, sacrificing individuality in the name of oppression masquerading as equality sets a dangerous precedent. 

Another page McKenna determinedly takes from Vonnegut's book of life is the idea that you don't necessarily have to be the best at something extracurricular to enjoy doing it. The reward (i.e., "the prize") is not in the winning but in the doing. When you remove the competitive factor from the equation, you can appreciate doing something simply for the pleasure it brings you. 

"You don't need to be good at any of the things that you like doing," says McKenna. "[Say] you want to play soccer on the weekends... You could be the worst soccer player. The point is... you don't need to be the best. You don't [even] need to be good... There's an intrinsic joy in just doing the things [you love to do.]" 

McKenna thinks it's counterproductive to give up something you enjoy because you may not be proficient at it. "I think, especially as Americans (and harking back to Vonnegut) we spend our whole [lives thinking we need to be the best at what we do.]"  A lot of people I talk to feel like, 'Well, why do things that you suck at? It just makes you feel worse,' but [I believe] the goal isn't to get better at them necessarily... the goal is to participate and enjoy them for the other things [they give you, rather] than a feeling of winning or success.

Robert McKenna on Embracing a Philosophy of Self-Determination

Now, if you ask Robert McKenna what his favorite quote is, he'll tell you it's "the universe is indifferent to your happiness." He believes it's incumbent on each of us to find purpose and meaning in life. "[It's] not a religious kind of argument," he notes. "...The universe doesn't have a personal investment in your happiness and your joy. You need to invest in that. You need to decide what happiness [is, what joy] is."

It's a philosophy based in the tenets of a belief system pioneered by Viktor Emil Frankl, a groundbreaking 20th century Austrian neurologist, psychiatrist, and author whose life was devoted to studying, understanding, and promoting the concept of "meaning." 

Frankl was Jewish. At the onset of World War II, he understood the looming menace of the Nazi regime and foresaw the destruction the Third Reich would wreak on members of the non-Aryan population. While Frankl had the means to escape the impending atrocities, his family did not. Frankl chose to remain behind - and suffered the extreme consequences as a result.

His entire family was sent to concentration camps. He alone survived the Holocaust. And yet, it was from those dark experiences that Frankl forged a truly enlightened philosophy. "[Frankl's] whole basic principle was you, and you alone, can control how you respond to things in this world," McKenna explains, "even some of the most horrible things... [And] you truly control far more than you know because between what's happening and your response to it, you can control the response."

Ditch the Pursuit of Happiness. Find Meaning and Purpose Instead

Once you've accepted the precept that you're in control of how you respond to life, Frankl's second edict was realizing the search for happiness alone is pointless. "If you are out looking to find happiness, you're going to be disappointed," McKenna warns. "Happiness is not something [to] pursue in and of itself. It's not a hedonistic thing."

According to Frankl, rather than happiness, we must seek meaning and purpose. While he cautions the pursuit of meaning and purpose aren't without struggle, by concentrating on those two factors rather than merely seeking more instant forms of gratification, long-term satisfaction will come to you. "You'll work hard, and along the way, you'll have a very deep sense of happiness through [your] efforts and what you've done and what you've built from [them]," McKenna says.

Frankl's conclusions may be rooted in the historical context of the 20th century from which they were spawned, however, as society's response to emerging technology evolves (especially in the wake of the COVID-19 pandemic), McKenna maintains building one's life on a foundation of meaning and purpose is more crucial than ever. "I think as the world becomes... less 'actual communal' and more 'digital communal,' the more things are diverse and hyper-specialized and different, it's important to remember it's up to you... to create these things."

McKenna affirms his own life is proof-positive that the philosophy works. "I'm lucky," he admits. "I have all the meaning and all the purpose I could possibly want. Am I happy all the time? Of course not... but do I have things I'm happy about and that I'm proud of, and that bring [joy? Of course!] And if you have joy, if you have meaning, and you have purpose, you're two-thirds of the way there."